How My Journey Began

Last March my inward, hidden life hit the fan and I began to seriously search and ask God what I was supposed to do to feel happy. I'd been crying everyday forever, couldn't find joy over my children, never had enough time with my husband and never felt that anything I did mattered and even if it did, I didn't have time to do anything well anyway. It wasn't a good time for me. God showed me that I wasn't focusing on what it was that I was made to do - to simply love my husband and children, to keep my home, to be chaste and discreet. There was nothing else I needed to do. There was no one else I needed to please. I stopped running around so much just to "fill my time"; doing this and that errand, being a part of this or that organization. As I learned about beauty and modesty I even began to change the way I dress, opting for skirts and dresses and shirts that cover more than what I was covering before. My husband loves the new way I dress and thinks it's beautiful! I realized with a pretty sick feeling that I had been dressing to please people around me more than I'd cared what my husband thought. Certainly I wanted him to think I looked pretty, but it was important that others, namely men, thought I was attractive when I was at Target or whatever. I'm embarrassed to write that! How terrible of me. I am in the process of ridding myself of the need to feel approval from men who aren't my husband. I long for more purity in my heart and mind. As I place my gaze more and more on Jesus for everything I need, (including guidelines for what to do with my time and how to dress) then place my hands to caring for my husband, children and home, I trust that God will bless my family and the satisfaction I get from my life will make it easier and easier to care only about what He cares about.